


For Forever

by CarryOnMyWaywardAuthor



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, but also very fluffy, its gay, its very sad, just like me, please, please read it, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2019-06-20 10:55:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15532704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarryOnMyWaywardAuthor/pseuds/CarryOnMyWaywardAuthor
Summary: Super gay





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning; Attemoted suicide, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, angst  
> //This is just a short prologue to get things going. Future chapters will be much longer.

Connor took a long drag from the joint in his hand. His eyes casting over the letter still clutched in his hand, before returning his gaze to the cold night outside the opened bedroom window. A gust of cold air blew past the window, he leant against, ruffling his already messy hair. Connor sat the letter down on the creased covers of the bed he sat on and ran his now free hand through his hair, while the other sat idly resting on the windowsill, fingers still wrapped tightly around the one positive aspect of his life at that point. He stared transfixed as the wind blew past, lighting up the a few embers at the end of the cigarette and blowing some ashes away in the wind.

Looking back into his bedroom and seeing nothing but the dull, lifeless darkness – it almost felt like it was staring back at him, awaiting his next move. In that moment he made a decision that had been weighing on him for too long now. Allowing the still smoking cigarette to drop from his grip and out of the window he pushed himself up from the bed. His mind felt entirely blank and overloaded with emotions at the same time, and in his mess of a head he had just the one distinguishable thought as he moved through the dimly lit hall and into the bathroom; to find the one thing that could get him relief.

A razor.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im actually proud of this one yay

White lights searing through his eyelids. A loud and consistent beep. Hushed voices speaking quickly and with concern. That was all the information Connor’s senses would provide at first when he began to wake up. Though he could not distinguish any form of language from the voices at first we was able to hear the familiar ring of his Mother and Father’s voices. He wished he didn’t. _Maybe I’m in hell._ He thought to himself with a sort of morbid hopefulness. As his senses became less dulled to the world around him Connor was able to register both the fabric of bed sheets against his skin and the second half of the conversation being held just by him.

“-so he hadn’t displayed any suicidal behaviour before tonight?” The voice he had never heard before asked.

“No.” Stated the cold mechanical voice of his Father Larry. In a moment of pure bitterness Connor wondered to himself what Larry considered it when Connor had outright stated he was going to kill himself… _on multiple occasions._

Now that he listened he could make out clear sniffling he recognised as his mother. Some sense of pity for her passes over him but he instantly stamped it out. These were the people who had pushed him to this. He couldn’t allow himself to feel sympathy for any of them.

“Well that’s all. I’ll leave you to have some time alone.” The unfamiliar voice he assumed must be a nurse stated before he heard footsteps receding and the click of a door closing.

He waited several moments to see if anything else would be said but when no one spoke he decided this was a good time to ‘wake up’. His eyes flickered open and he took in the room around him. He was lying on a white hospital bed that was tilted forward at a 45° degree angle. His parents stood looking earnestly at each other at the foot of his bed and upon opening his eyes he discovered that Zoe was sitting in an armchair in the far corner of the room looking distraught and all together dishevelled. His Mother Cynthia held her gaze with Larry and though she was no longer crying her eyes were red and puffy and she continued to sniffle. Larry’s feature remained stony and unmoving and the closest comparison to an emotion Connor could make to Larry would be that he, if anything, looked a little bothered to have lost sleep. Zoe remained in her secluded spot in the armchair both arms wrapped around her torso and gaze fixed unmovedly on the floor. Her hair fell messily around her face and she seemed not entirely present to the situation. He was sure he looked much worse than any of them.

They were all so focused on their own thoughts that not one of them noticed Connor’s change in state. _Typical._ Connor thought bitterly to himself.

“No suicidal tendencies, huh?” Connor asked, announcing his presence. Connor winced at the sound of his own voice. Scratchy and rough, and desperately in need of a drink.

All eyes snapped towards him but no one spoke. Connor glanced at all of them but couldn’t bring himself to hold eye contact for more than a second.

“Connor…” Cynthia said softly, but she couldn’t seem to find the words for what she wanted to say. The tears welled in her eyes once more and she looked away.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Larry yelled a little too loudly for Connor’s taste.

Connor winced at the tone of voice. “Like you fucking care.” He snapped back, although lacking the energy to scream at this point.

“Watch your mouth-” Larry started.

“Larry, Please.” Cynthia spoke meekly from his side but he either didn’t hear her or didn’t care. Connor guessed the latter.

“-What do you think this has been like for the rest of us?! Zoe had to find you bleeding on the bathroom floor at 3am!” Larry yelled, throwing his hands up. Zoe let out a kind of shaky exhale form across the room, though it went unacknowledged.

“Oh, so that’s what this is! _Zoe’s_ the one you’re worried about in this situation! Because who gives a fuck if your own son would prefer being dead than living with you!” Any lack of energy forgotten Connor screamed right back with a new found rush of adrenalin. He spoke Zoe’s name with such venom that the girl recoiled in her seat, though this again went unnoticed.

“Don’t start-”

“LARRY, WOULD YOU STOP! NOW OF ALL TIMES COULD YOU AT LEAST TRY NOT TO ATTACK HIM?” Cynthia cut in loudly and it was enough to shock everyone else into silence. She sighed and made an attempt at wiping away the tear tracks on her cheeks and tucked a piece of her disorderly hair behind her ear. “If there was ever time for this family to stop its arguing for five minutes and not tear each other a part, it’s now. And I want to fix this, but the way this is going I don’t know that you do.” She continued, much calmer now but the pain so evident in her voice was impossible to ignore. Placing a hand on her forehead and closing her eyes momentarily. “I’m going to go wait in the car. We’ll visit tomorrow.” She said quietly. “Maybe we’ll be calmer…” She added as an afterthought though no one was entirely sure if they were meant to hear it.

Everyone was silent as Cynthia made her way out of the room, door swinging shut behind her, and they remained this way for some time. Larry was no longer shouting and instead stood very still, looking down. Zoe had remained in exactly the same position she had been in when Connor awoke.

In this quiet Connor was focusing on anything other than the two family members still in the room with him. Staring down at his lap he became fully aware of the bandages wrapped securely around both his wrists. The way they were tinted red by the amount of blood that had left the obviously deep cuts. The needle in his arm, connecting him to an IV machine made him cringe but he didn’t know quite why.

“I’m going to join your Mother.” Larry stated stoically before following the same path Cynthia had earlier without another word.

That left just Connor and Zoe and the silence that neither of them seemed to know how to fill. It occurred to Connor that this was the first time they had been alone together for a long time. A surge of emotion rushed through him but he was unable to determine it’s exact nature.

Without a sound Zoe rose from her seating and made her way silently to the door. She turned the handle and opened it slightly but paused. The unexpected move provoked Connor to look up to her. She looked back at him and her mouth fell open as if to begin a sentence but no words came. In that moment of silence she left, leaving Connor and a thousand unspoken words behind her.


	3. Chapter Two

_Three days later._

The school bell sounded just as Evan stepped into the principal’s office. He was not however met by Mr Howard as he had expected. There in the office sat two unfamiliar people with sombre expressions.

“Good morning.” It sounded like a question even to Evan’s ears. “Um. Is Mr Howard…?” He started but trailed off. When no one responded he started talking again nervously. “I’m sorry. They said on the loud speaker for me to go to the principal’s office.”

“Mr Howard stepped out.” The man he’d never met stated. Evan made a move to step out of the office awkwardly before the man spoke up again. “We wanted to speak with you in private. Why don’t you take a seat?”

Evan could feel the anxiety bubble in his gut and it was only a matter of time before it boiled over. He sat on the edge of his chair, letting his backpack slip from his grip to the floor next to him.

“We’re Connor’s parents.” The man continued. _Fuck._ Images of the conversation that lay ahead flashed through Evan’s mind and the all too familiar nervousness pushed itself closer to the surface. “Why don’t you go ahead, honey?” The man said to the other person in the room who Evan assumed to be his wife.

“I’m going as fast as I can.” She replied and it was now that Evan noticed she was clutching a piece of paper that was beginning to look worn. Her expression of pain and shock unnerved Evan further as she stared blankly at the page.

“Well that’s not what I said, is it?” He responded. The whole interaction seemed to lack spirit and it gave an impression of overall hopelessness and shock.

She took a deep breath before extending the paper across to Evan. “Connor wanted you to have this.” Evan recognised it had been folded up before being reopened. Evan hesitantly took the paper from her and instantly felt his stomach drop as he recognised it.

“We’d never heard your name before. Connor never… And then we saw…” He struggled to find the right words given the situation. “‘Dear, Evan Hansen’” he started.

“He gave this to you?” Evan asked with uncertainty.

“We didn’t know you two were friends. We didn’t think Connor had any friends.” He responded, avoiding Evan’s question. “And then we see this letter. And it seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor were, or at least that he thinks of you. I mean its right there ‘Dear, Evan Hansen’ it’s addressed to you. He wrote it to you.”

“You think that Connor wrote this to me.” Evan stated, realisation dawning on him.

“These are the words he wanted to share with you.” Cynthia, piped up again.

“They would have been his last words.” Larry added.

“This is what he wanted you to have.”

“I’m sorry. What do you mean ‘last words’?”  Evan asked, his stomach filling up with dread.

Cynthia shared a glance with her husband Larry, Prompting him to continue. “Connor… Connor tried to take his own life.”

“He what?” Evan said quietly.

“This was all he had with him. He had up folded up in his pocket.” Larry explained. “And you can see that he was trying to explain it. Why he was trying to…” He went on to quote some of the letter which didn’t help Cynthia in any way.

She had already started crying when she spoke up, “Larry, please stop it.” She sounded panicked and broken.

“But-” Evan started multiple sentences before finally forming a proper one. “Connor didn’t write this.” He tried to explain.

But explaining was much harder in practice than in theory. Evan had ended up running out of the room leaving a distraught Cynthia and oddly stoic Larry still in the office with the letter. Cynthia had spotted the name on Evan’s cast and Evan had left in near hysterics at the mess he’d managed to get himself into.


	4. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? updating? well heck jesus is real. Me? editing properly? unlikely.

They wanted him over for dinner. That was the only thing Evan had the capacity to think as he closed his laptop before collapsing back against his dark blue bedsheets. Connor had attempted suicide and Evan had to go over there and explain to him and his family that, _no, that wasn’t written by Connor. I just have serious anxiety issues and was using a decidedly stupid method to cope with them. Oh and yeah. I am creepy stalker guy who wrote a letter to himself about Zoe._ What could possibly go wrong?

He sighed thinking over what Jared had said in their skype call. _“Just nod and confirm.”_  He could try but how long would he last before beginning a nervous rant and convincing the Murphy family he would be safer locked in some off shore asylum, not to mention ruining any slither of a chance he may have had left at forming a relationship with Zoe.

Evan inhaled deeply in an attempt to quell the growing anxiety forming at the pit of his stomach. The feeling of a small knot at first. The kind that makes you think you’d twisted a muscle strangely. But growing into the uncomfortable fluttering, almost stinging sensation that could make you physically sick. A feeling Evan knew all too well.

The breath he’d taken escaped his lungs with a violent and shaky burst. It wasn’t uncommon for thoughts of anxiety to consume Evan’s mind to the point he forgot to breath. Pushing himself up from the duvet and running a hand through his hair, despite the immediate fear that emerged at the thought, he decided he’d have to go and somehow explain the situation he’d stumbled into.

 _A shower._ That would clear his mind. At least that’s what he told himself. A shower and then, the Murphy’s.

***

Evan stood at the front door of the Murphy’s, fidgeting nervously and staring at the door. This was a mistake. He shouldn’t have come. He should have just sent an excruciatingly awkward letter explaining the whole thing and stayed at home watching television and not ordering pizza.

He took a deep breath. Because Evan wasn’t at home. He wasn’t stressing about the pizza delivery guy while not actually watching repeats of real house wives. He was standing in front of the Murphy house, trying to build up enough courage to knock.

He shook his head abruptly. “This is stupid. Just knock.” He whispered to himself. _What’s the worst that could happen?_ Evan could have laughed aloud at that thought because any number of things could happen. Connor could declare the Evan was a creep who he’d stolen the letter from. Zoe could run away screaming and threatening to call the police. Cynthia and Larry could demand he leave and ne- He was overthinking this. Nothing was going to get solved unless he actually entered the house.

Focussing solely on that and trying to erase all else from his mind, Evan raised his fist and knocked three times a little faster than would be normal

There was an indistinguishable shuffling sound, followed by the click of a lock. Before Evan had the chance to panic the door was opened and golden light was streaming out from the entryway onto the dimly lit front porch.

There in all his emo glory stood Connor Murphy, leaning against the door frame with his usual couldn’t-care-less attitude as he looked Evan over like a hawk eyeing its next kill.

Evan’s breath caught in his throat at the sight. Mostly from the intimidating air Connor always seemed to carry with him, and partly from an odd mix of emotions Evan couldn’t quite identify. _Anxiety? Probably._ He decided.

“Um, I-” Evan started but cut himself off at Connor’s next actions.

Connor held up his index finger in a silencing gesture before stepping out into the twilight and closing the door far enough so as to ensure only a slither of light would make its way onto the scene.

“Listen.” He started, resuming his previous relaxed but intimidating stance against the outside of the doorframe. “I don’t like you and you don’t like me.”

That wasn’t true. Evan didn’t have anything strictly _against_ Connor. He just found him to be overly aggressive sometimes and thus steered clear. Evan almost pointed this out but Connor kept talking, which was probably for the best as this statement likely wouldn’t have been well received.

“However I don’t hate you enough not to recognise when you’d be useful. And I think we can help each other.” Connor continued.

“How can we-” Evan started.

“That’s simple.” Connor interrupted. “As of right now you and I are the only ones who know I wasn’t the one who wrote that letter.”

“Wait you haven’t-” Connor cut him off again and Evan noticed he seemed to have a habit of that.

“No I haven’t. And if you want to keep it that way you’re going to have to do something for me.”

“So you’re blackmailing me?” Evan asked, still confused and sounding small.

“Not blackmail. It’s a fair trade, Hanson. You don’t tell my Parents that I’m exactly the loner they think I am and I don’t tell them you write creepy stalker-ish letters to yourself. And as a bonus I won’t even hit you for whatever the fuck is going on in your head about Zoe. Which I definitely should, by the way.” Connor Elaborated.

Evan paused for a moment and blinked as comprehension dawned on him. “I pretend to be your friend from school and you pretend I had nothing to do with the letter.” Evan stated in understanding. It was an interesting offer. And it wasn’t exactly too far off “nod and confirm” which was a bonus.

Connor grinned wolfishly. “Now you’re catching on. So now let’s go in there and convince my psychotic family we’re old friends. Just agree with whatever I say.”

Evan thought it was a little farfetched of Connor to be calling anyone psychotic but nodded all the same. Convincing them couldn’t be that hard, could it? With the dread caused by that final thought building up in his stomach, Evan followed as Connor pushed to door back open and made his way into the entryway of the Murphy household.

The front door lead straight into the main living area which reminded Evan heavily of one the display pages in those housing and lifestyle magazines his mom bought occasionally. In the middle of the room was a white couch in pristine condition large enough to seat at least five comfortably. In front of the couch sat the incredibly large television on the equally large cabinet. The majority of floor space was covered by a seemingly expensive Persian rug, that Evan felt unsure about setting foot on. The whole room seemed to seep wealth from floor to ceiling. It wasn’t as though the Murphy’s were insanely rich. More so it was the fact that Evan and his Mom were decidedly not.

Connor clearly either didn’t notice Evan’s resignation about entering the room or didn’t care. He sauntered casually over to the couch, falling back into the cushions.

Evan shot him a confused look, which went unnoticed by Connor. Evan hesitated before speaking. “You aren’t going to tell anyone I’m here?” Evan asked quietly.

“Nope.” Connor answered simply, leaning back and closing his eyes.

“W-Why not?”

Connor sighed, sitting up straighter and looking directly at Evan. “We’re supposed to act normal right?” He asked, giving Evan an expectant look and continuing on when he nodded. “Well I definitely wouldn’t let my family know that my only friend was now over so they could bombard him with questions.”

“Oh,” was all Evan managed to say in reply.

The silence was beginning to grow awkward. At least Evan thought so but the relaxed way Connor was sitting made him think he was the only one affected. But Evan didn’t have time to dwell on it as the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs echoed through the room.

Connor sat up straight again. “Just follow my lead. I don’t need you fucking this up.”

Evan just nodded.

“Connor.” Cynthia Murphy’s voice came from the doorway. “Shouldn’t your friend be getting here soon?” She asked as she came into the room. Her eyes widened and her face portrayed shock when she caught sight of Evan standing awkwardly next to the couch. She turned her attention back to her son, looking disappointed if not surprised. “Why didn’t you tell me he got here?”

Connor shrugged, looking disinterested. “I didn’t care.”

Cynthia’s face fell, but the expression was short lived as she turned to Evan. “Hello, It’s nice to meet you properly. My name’s Cynthia. I’m Connor’s mother.” She smiled.

“I think he could fucking tell.” The brutality with which Connor spoke to his mother shocked Evan but she was apparently use to it.

“Connor, can’t we be civil? We have a guest.”

“You can do what you want. Are we having dinner or not?” He didn’t wait for a reply and instead stalked off to what Evan assumed to be a dining room.

Cynthia turned back to Evan. “Thank you for coming. Why don’t you join Connor and I’ll fetch Larry and Zoe?” Cynthia proposed warmly.

Evan felt his heart jump at the mention of Zoe but stopped himself from thinking about it. He nodded again, not trusting his words.

Cynthia left the room with a warm smile and Evan went to join Connor in the dining room.

 

 


End file.
